i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
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