Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
