i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
