So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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