recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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