I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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