i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Randomize
