Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
