I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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