Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
