All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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