I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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