Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
