Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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