Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
