I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
