my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
