his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
