i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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