Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
