I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
You are a genius and a whore.
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