I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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