I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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