it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
