alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
