If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
