I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
