my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
