you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
