when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
