I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
