yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
