I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
