I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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