Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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