I bet he comes in French.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
