I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
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