Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
She's the barista slut.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
