he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
