How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
