Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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