So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
