weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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