Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
do nipples grow back?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
