I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Randomize
