So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
