if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
