I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
