I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
my shit smells like andre
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
