I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
