I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
