Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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