Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
