dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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