Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
