you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
