My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
