You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
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