I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
