I think I just saw someone hide a body.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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