Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Randomize
