my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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