Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Randomize
