apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
