Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
