I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Randomize
